My Picket Fence of Faith: Finding Faith in Infertility

So this one will probably be long as well but please stay tuned, it will be good. When our DJ was turning two years old we decided that we wanted to start trying to add to our family, this was around March of 2009. So fast forward about 6 months and I remember telling Dustin that something wasn't right. It didn't take this long with DJ, in fact, we conceived one month after starting with him. Of course, he told me it would happen to just be patient, which anyone who knows me knows that patience is something I do not have. So fast forward to the one year mark and I told him we needed to get checked out. I went first of course and was told they couldn't find anything wrong, diagnosed with idiopathic infertility. Dustin went next and nothing major, again, diagnosed as idiopathic infertility.

Fast forward to year 2, I went back to the doctor and had a test performed that showed I had scar tissue blocking a tube and would need surgery. At this point we only had a 50% chance of getting pregnant. Well I was willing to do whatever had to be done to reach our goal of adding to our family. So I had the surgery done. Months later still no positive pregnancy test. During all this time we began to argue and fight and even blame each other. I cried all the time. DJ prayed all the time for a baby brother. It broke my heart to not be able to do the one major thing that God created a woman's body to be able to do; bring life into the world for my family. Every night I laid in bed and cried myself to sleep watching DJ pray his little tiny heart out.

Fast forward another year, the doctor gave us the option for infertility medications. We jumped at the opportunity and began oral medications immediately. We did this for several months and then used those with IUI's. This led to no success and even more tears and heartache. We stopped for a few months. Now during all of this we were going to church, praying daily and doing what we thought was right. During this time also I continued to have friends and family members get pregnant and make their announcements. My sister was one of them and my sister in law. I can still remember the day my sister in law and big brother (brother in law) announced theirs. I was crushed, it had already been a really rough week for me. I walked up to their house with tear filled eyes and it took me a few minutes to say anything but I told them I wanted them to know I was happy for them, for all of us, but to please give me some time to let it sink in. (This was one of the fiery darts that Satan throws at you! Except he hit me square in the heart with this one!) But I can still remember exactly what my big brother said to me. He said, "you take your time, we completely understand and we are here for ya'll." My sister in law didn't say a word because she was crying, she had seen my pain for all these years so far, a mother can feel it so she didn't have to say a word.

I called a friend that was a best friend at the time and needed to talk about it. I told her what happened and what I said and she had a choice word for me. Something she called me for feeling that way. Of course, I don't know why I chose to call her, she didn't understand anyway but that was the hard part. No one I knew during our trial was walking the same path. But years later she called me and apologized for her choice word because she did get to experience exactly what I went through for about 2 years.

After our oral meds and IUI's we were offered injectable infertility medicine. So we tried this for about 6-7 months. This meant driving to Mobile for ultrasounds and blood work, go home, wait on a call, start shots and come back in two weeks for more blood work and ultrasounds. Then after leaving on that day they would call before we could even get home and I would cry all the way home from Mobile because they were calling to say your test was Negative. I shattered on the inside, just completely broken, every single time.

I found myself getting so mad with God. I often asked him: Why me? Why my family? Why my son? Why are you making my son cry like this for a baby brother? I mean we are good parents and trying to raise him right. What are we doing wrong? Sometimes when I was alone in my car I would ask these things and cry and scream at God. I would demand answers. Months would go by and I would take test and just know that I was pregnant and the test would still be negative. Some nights we all three laid in bed together and cried together as a family. But during this time I realized I couldn't do the fertility stuff anymore. It was too much, too hard, too expensive. So we look into adoption from overseas. Started the paperwork, started interviews, they even talked to DJ. Then the money part came in and, WOW! So expensive, just to look for a child for you.

During this time, Dustin came home one day and told me he had something to tell me. I was scared to death. I just knew he was about to say he wanted a divorce. I mean we have been in some valleys together but we have also been on some great mountains. I was terrified!! He said, "I feel like I've been called to preach." I was shocked, relieved and started balling my eyes out. So he did, he started preaching and things just started working out differently. I graduated nursing school and we bought his parents house that he and his brother grew up in. For the first few weeks we slept in his old bedroom in the house while we did the floors in our master bedroom; which is now our "Miracles" bedroom. When he felt the call to preach, I felt a tug to get saved. He was rededicated, we dedicated and baptized DJ, and I was baptized; all as a family. Then I realized "Faith". Faith was the only way we were going to get our miracle.

I had decided that maybe we weren't supposed to have any more biological children. DJ had lots of cousins at this point so what if we were going to have to take some of them for raising in the future. You never know when something might happen and someone maybe called home sooner than later. I prayed then that this wasn't the case but if it became necessary we would be more than willing. I treat my nieces and nephews just like my own children. If they need extra love, they get it. If they need a chin up conversation, they get it. If they need that butt beat, they can get that too. Thankfully I don't have to worry about that though, all of us were raised by them "get your butt beat parents", so we are the same. But I would take them all in if I had to; all 7!! I even have some that are actually not related nieces and nephews and I would raise them if I had too!!

So I began to look at things differently. I began to realize that I didn't know God's plan for my family. I realized he had a plan and I would see it unfold one day at the time and when it was time. That didn't mean the crying stopped or the pain went away. It just got easier. I cried a lot of Sundays in church and went to the altar a lot for extra prayer but with a different heart. A heart that knew it was in his time and not my own. One day after coming home from work I told Dustin I needed a test. Of course, he said, "Babe, every time you do that it's negative and you get upset and why don't you just wait." But this time I felt different, I felt like I was glowing, like I was on a cloud, I felt so sure. I was more positive this time than I had ever felt before. I told him because of my anxiety and migraine prevention medicine I needed to make sure because I was already a day late for my cycle. He got the test and him and DJ were working on our front door frame, so I had to sneak to the bathroom to take it. Because if I was wrong again I didn't want to upset DJ. Now as you can imagine over the years while daydreaming I had thought of all kinds of cute ways I would surprise him and DJ once we got a positive test. As soon as I took the test I got TWO pink lines and immediately started balling my eyes out. I walked into the living room where they were and Dustin looked and me and I was holding the test and he began to cry. Walking toward me with his arms out he said, "Is it, Is it?" I said, "Yes, we did it, God, did it!" Meanwhile, DJ is standing behind us because he has no idea what is going on. He had just turned 8 years old. He threw his little arms up in the air and he said, "Will somebody please tell me what is going on." I said, "Bud, Do you see this?" He said, "Yeah." I said, "It means your going to be a Big Brother." That tiny little blue eyed boy started balling his eyes out and wrapped his tiny arms around me and his dad. Even though I wanted it to be something so special I don't think it could have been any more special than this!! I will never forget it as long as I live and I cry every time I talk about it and I'm crying while I type it.

So if anyone is questioning what built our Faith and the massive amount of Faith my son has...here it is!!! She was born in April of 2015.

So with this said today I what to say to those of you struggling with Infertility: Don't give up...Just give it to God and have faith. It's in his time and not our own.

And to those of you that will think about posting those April Fool's Jokes tomorrow about being pregnant: Don't do it!! For some of us it's an absolute slap in the face and not amusing or funny at all!! You're not cute and you're letting Satan Sail Your Ship!!

And to my sweet angel Elizabeth,

I know you don't understand any of

this right now but one day you can

look back on this and read YOUR story

and know that YOU brought YOUR family

closer to GOD and built a massive amount

of FAITH! When he chose you for us, he picked

the most beautiful baby flower ever!!!

LOVE YOUR MOMMY